BE GOOD TO YOURSELF

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Galina Deinega Photography

I expect today's post might not to run too smoothly - as my thoughts are still quite messy at the moment.
And you know - that's okay :)!
So much happened last week - in the first half of the week, several coaching meetings brought me the idea of writing about self-sabotage - I've touched on this topic briefly before - but the news about the competition cancellation in the second half of the week – wiped me off…no article and no post at all…Honestly - I was also ready to be “strong” and do it anyway. But then…
...I decided to give myself some time and live my emotions through.
Too often we forget that different feelings are okay and as we always hear that - be positive, don't think negatively, don't feel negative feelings…we are so used to suppress our feelings and wear masks. However, if you ignore your feelings and suppress them, you will collect them and create completely new - often self-harming - stories in connection with them. However, by consciously taking the time to live through our emotions, we also get a real opportunity to let go of them and move on :). I will definitely write about self-sabotage in the close future ;)!

But today I am writing about self-criticism and a little bit about self-sabotage…have you noticed how often you sabotage yourself? How do you work against yourself with your lies and find excuses and justifications for everything over and over again? "Money doesn't matter - lack of money opens up creativity and grows the soul", "I've already tried everything to change my body", "I'm in poor health, all checkings has been done but nothing definite has been found", etc.-etc. Who are you lying to and who are you really trying to make believe? Yourself? How much do you actually use your potential? How many of the choices you made are actually outside of your comfort zone?

How familiar are you with self-criticism? Not critical and sober thinking, but criticism. "I am lazy". "I'm giving up too easily." "I'm not smart enough." Unfortunately, criticism is something that we all are so good at, it doesn't take much effort. A child who has ever heard strong criticism learns self-criticism because he has become accustomed to being ruthlessly judged and thus assures himself, "You can't do it, there's no point to try." "You did mistake again!" .

No child thinks negatively or labels himself - "incompetent", "stupid", "fat", etc. Rather, they see themselves as the navel of the world, with a natural tendency to feel good about being themselves. Unfortunately, the situation changes even before school starts. The child learns how to be likeable, to suppress his wishes and needs and to beat himself ...

But it doesn't have to stay that way - we have free will and we can practice our minds to notice the good and learn to value ourselves. Try to notice what you are saying about yourself and stop self-destruction. Confidence needs facts. And the facts, what our head believes, come only from action. Self-esteem is one of the most important aspects of quality of life. Self-esteem allows you to believe that you can give the best you can and that you deserve to live a full life. For some reason, this important skill tends to be lost as you grow older. According to neuroscientists, we have two competing systems in our heads: one that seeks the prize and the other that fears, tries to avoid failure. And harsh self-criticism amplifies just that and stands as an obstacle to the success.

The effect of self - criticism

In his article, Raimo Ülavere shows very nicely how excessive self-criticism affects us:

  1. It impairs our ability to do things. Studies with athletes confirm that the fear of failure seems to us like a self-fulfilling prophecy - scientists say we have a feeling of "suffocation", our body and mind are paralyzed, we move like in slow motion. The feeling is probably familiar to anyone who has done sports.
  2. It makes us give up too easily. The fear of failure, which we instill in ourselves through self-criticism, forces us to give up before things really become critical. Again, it is easiest to see and feel it while doing sports - the head gives up before the body - but also in so-called normal life. When it comes to a real challenge, we give up before we've even tried.
  3. This leads to bad decisions. Fear of failure with self-criticism can lead to deception and unethical behavior, research shows. In a word, we are ready to do everything we can to ensure that we do not fail.
  4. It can also lead to moving away from what we really want. We make decisions to please someone. We choose a workplace where we can shine more easily. We only take on challenges where victory is certain. And in the process, we can lose sight of the things that really bring joy and satisfaction.
  5. It increases guilt. And it may even be the most important factor in the long run. Harsh self-criticism and fear of failure can lead us to blame and curse ourselves if we fail, until we feel even smaller than ants. And guilt, in turn, is what strangely prevents us from making or continuing to change. If we have a goal to lose 3 kilos and we’ll eat the whole box of ice cream at a time, we will rather feel "I can't do it, naah, I just let it go" and the next box is already waiting.

Gary John Bishop writes in his book, Unf * ck Yourself, how we win constantly in our lives! Virtually every day is a victory - whether we like it or not. Our brains are tuned to winning mode - the only question is, what exactly do we win? We often win in activities that our subconscious mind is aiming. Are there any areas where you don't consider yourself a winner? Maybe your subconscious goal is to prove to yourself that you don't deserve a good partner, that you don't even have a chance to get a better paid job, or that you're never one of those "fit" people. Desperate to prove that this is indeed the case, you begin to sabotage your happiness without realizing it. Thoughts and doubts come to mind that were not there before, and countless excuses prevent you from changing your situation. That's how winning really happens - just in the subconscious mind. You manage to prove to yourself again and again every day that you really can't and you don't reach up to your desires. The future, which seems desirable at first, may seem more and more terrible as it approaches. You can even go so far as to convince yourself that you don't really want it and are happy exactly where you are.

Willpower is stronger ...

... if you treat yourself and your body well, because the willpower uses a large part of your emotional resources. If you are stressed, angry or sad, you also have a really powerless willpower use.
I am often asked how do I feed my willpower? Honestly… I don't know that…but I've been in the zone every prep… as if in total flow and at the beginning of the year I had an ahhaaa experience when Raimo introduced Jim Fannin's SCORE for Life methodology on his blog - how to identify a state where many top results are made.
The methodology measures five markers, which, when triggered, pump a chemical cocktail into our blood and create a feeling of "meaningful peace", which also creates the basis for a excellent results.
The SCORE test takes 1.5-2 minutes and can be done every day or in the context of a specific event - competition, performance, writing, meeting, project.

1. Self-discipline

This is perhaps the most important building block of the SCORE methodology. Self-discipline is the will and also the commitment to consistently do well-planned activities that lead to the set goal.

Test questions
1. Do I have clear goals with a strategy for achieving them? Yes or No
2. Do I have a clear schedule? Yes or No

If you have goals and objectives and / or a schedule in the style of "soon", "next year" or "never", then it is more of a dream than a move towards a conscious Zone.

2. Focusing
Focusing means being able to consciously focus on what is currently going on or ahead.

Test Questions
1. Am I currently “here and now”, am I present? Yes or No
2. Am I ready to focus my attention and energy on the activities ahead? Yes or No

If the body is present, but the head is full of thoughts about the past and the future, narrow the focus - to a specific activity, for a certain period of time (eg I will do it for the next half hour).


3. Optimism
Optimism is the belief, expectation and certainty that I can do the job ahead.

Test Questions
1. Do I believe (that I can do well)? Yes or No
2. Do I have a positive expectation of the result? Yes or No


Self-image, expectation always goes above and beyond. If it turns out that the expectation of the result is "bad as always", then it is a self-fulfilling prediction. Review your beliefs about yourself and your abilities and rebuild them with more optimistic expectations.

4. Relaxation
Being relaxed means feeling comfortable in an area of discomfort, that is, straining, but doing so consciously (I know it gets hard and need to push myself) and meaningful and excited rather than anxious.

Test Questions
1. Do I feel comfortable-excited about day / performance goals? Yes or No
2. Do I breathe 6-8 times a minute? Yes or No


If you feel more nervous, anxious, insecure when your breathing has become fast and "superficial", first try to make your breathing longer-calmer. And let go of the result, make your head "empty" and / or bring attention to the action that is going on or ahead.


5. Enjoyment
Enjoyment means passion, enjoyment and satisfaction from activities, moving forward.

Test Questions
1. Do I enjoy the process (even if it requires effort)? Yes or No
2. Am I ready to smile and be happy-happy with what I do? Yes or No


If you don't enjoy the process, if you don't enjoy what you do, maybe it's time to pick up the pace, smile, make changes in the process, laugh and dance, and bring success and fun to the process.

If you answered "Yes" to all the questions, you are probably on the high-speed train on your way to the Zone. And maybe already arrived.

I hope you got something to think about from today's article - and in conclusion - self-sabotage and self-criticism start when you have a (big) goal that you (really, really) want to achieve, but you do not have enough self-confidence and faith to you achieve it. In that case, to make excuses for failure in advance you behave in ways that make success unlikely ... or there is fear - maybe I will lose that achievement and then fall hard ...
... if you recognize yourself and your need some support, then feel free to write to me - we can meet and talk ...we are stronger together :)


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20 replies

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